England

After every England game, I love having a good long yarn about the match. It’s tradition.

Normally, I’ll call my brother Andy and we’ll debate back and forth what they’ve done right, what they’ve done wrong and crucially - what we would have done. It tends to start “Beckham was dire, why is he still picked?” followed by “We should have had Gerrard in the centre” before we’ll argue where Wayne Rooney’s best position is and how the reason he didn’t play well, was because he wasn’t played there.

But after the Czech match, we were both left lost for words. All our clever-dick ideas, tried, tested and failed. How? Why? There’s something wrong with the England team, to the extent it’s almost eerie.

Do they become possessed by jelly-legged dizzy ghosts when they put the England shirt on? Do aliens suck their footballing mojo from them before games and return it just in time for 3pm Saturday? This is the extent to which decyphering England’s pitiful performances has come, but we can’t find answers in science fiction, even if our disbelief supercedes UFO sightings.

If we’ve learned anything from Sven and Steve McClaren - who are as paranormally out-of-touch as Kang and Kodos from The Simpsons - it’s that solving England’s relentless ability to disappoint is not an easy task. Yet a quick browse of football forums shows a host of armchair fans offering their critique, complete with potential lineups, formations and ‘told you so’ rhetoric.

“Drop Lampard” say one forum author, “Build the team around Joe Cole” proclaims another fan. Another practically suggests Rafa Benetiz should be burned at the stake for “upsetting” Gareth Barry with this tiresome transfer saga - despite the fact the Aston Villa man had no trouble disposing of an Icelandic team (whose name I can’t begin to spell) in the UEFA Cup a few days earlier. It’s like witnessing Orwell’s 1984… in a chat room. Have they forgotten that it’s all been tried before?

“It’s no longer enjoyable to speculate how to fix our broken England team”

A qualified football scholar, Gareth Southgate, added his two cents to say that it’s “the pressure” that stops England playing well. I can’t help but chuckle: can you seriously imagine Rooney, Terry and co coming home to their beautiful homes and model wags, having a soak in the jacuzzi and eating caviar till they’re sick, all the while fretting about “the pressure”. It’s a tenuous argument, let’s put it that way. But I’ll admit it right now, I’ve tried to do it too, solve the unsolvable I mean, not throw up caviar. It’s every man’s fantasy that he wakes up to find he’s England manager isn’t it? Not now.

I don’t envy Capello in the slightest. Sure, my gut tells me we need a playmaker to spearhead our midfield, like Deco does for Chelsea instead of the impotent Lampard - but do I really expect this change will transform us? Of course not. Does a player like that with an English passport even exist? No. It’s no longer enjoyable to speculate how to fix our broken England team. We’ve tried everything; every formation, every combination and we haven’t managed to put together a team that plays any good. Capello has had a couple of games and despite his assuring seriousness and flawless pragmatic approach, he looks as though he’s as doomed as his predecessor.

“…that was an excellent team we put out against the Czechs and we were made to look - quite frankly - a bit stupid”

When Sven put Heskey on the left wing or McClaren had Phil Neville anywhere near the team, you’d have a fair shout to say “he’s got it wrong, here’s what it should be…” but now, it’s not so easy. The side Capello picked was pretty good. You could look it and say, logically yes, that makes sense. Okay, Gerrard on the left was a bit unusual, but not outrageous. Maybe Young should have been in after having a good game for Villa and Beckham is past his use-by date, even if his right foot is as deadly as ever. But come on, that was an excellent team we put out against the Czechs and we were made to look - quite frankly - a bit stupid.

Say Southgate is right and it is pressure. But if you’re anything like me, your expectations will have dropped to below sea level. I just want to see us do a few one-two’s with any one but the goalkeeper. A pass played forward instead of sideways and Wayne Rooney show even a glimpse of his prodigal magic. If that’s pressure, then we aught to just pack in national football altogether.

Till then, there is still an ounce of hope left in me that our Italian chieftain will succeed like Murdoch in the A-Team. That he knows what he’s doing. That he will somehow wake us from this crappy-football slumber, knock them into shape, get the combination just right before rubbing his hands together and say “I love it when a plan comes together”. Until then, I’m going to ring my brother and see what he thinks of the British cycling team. Chris Hoy, he’s good isn’t he…it’s just not the same though is it?

How do you rate Capello so far? Should England fans lower their expecations? What is the answer to fixing England?

Tags: Andy Johnson, Chelsea, Czech Republic, David Beckham, Deco, Emile Heskey, England, Fabio Capello, John Terry, Steve McClaren, Steven Gerrard, Sven-Goran Eriksson, Wayne Rooney, World Cup, World Cup 2010

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