The Monday Miscellany

It’s not difficult to imagine quite what José Mourinho would have made of Chelsea’s rather feeble effort at Old Trafford. Certainly, under the Portuguese coach, Chelsea were never quite so comprehensively outplayed, except for one freak afternoon at Middlesbrough in February 2006, a 3-0 defeat that ultimately didn’t disturb their march to a second consecutive league title.

Were the ‘Special One’ still in charge at Stamford Bridge, Didier Drogba would certainly not escape criticism for another half-hearted performance in which he sliced both his second half shots on goal towards the corner flag. Nor would he have allowed his defence to take leave of their senses when defending set pieces, having nobody on the post for the corner that brought Manchester Utd’s crucial first goal late in the first half, and an inexperienced striker trying to mark Dimitar Berbatov at the free-kick which brought the third.

But it was not just the usual suspects who under-performed yesterday. Yes, Deco was pathetic, Drogba lazy and Michael Ballack still shockingly short of match fitness. But why were Ricardo Carvalho and John Terry, the best two defenders in the world under Mourinho’s stewardship, so poor? Carvalho was dreadful at Fulham without the captain by his side but Terry was to blame for United’s second goal, watching Patrice Evra’s cross sail past him when a headed clearance looked singularly undemanding.

Chelsea’s form is poor and getting worse. Liverpool had to play out of their skins to win at Stamford Bridge in October. In November, Arsenal won 2-1 at the Bridge without playing particularly well and, for 45 minutes at Old Trafford, Manchester Utd looked every bit as uninspired as they did in recent wins over Middlesbrough, Sunderland and Stoke City. You had to play your game of the season to beat Mourinho’s Chelsea; under Scolari’s disastrous tenure, they can be defeated by a team who play merely decently, held by a team who are but one notch better than inept.

Only the two Coles and Frank Lampard emerge from Sunday afternoon’s debacle with any credit. With the unfit Ballack and the ineffectual Deco alongside him, Lampard is doing the work of three men and, in general, doing it very well. Ashley Cole kept Cristiano Ronaldo out of the game, as usual, to the extent that the Portuguese winger moved to the left in the second half to pick on his injured compatriot José Bosingwa.

Only Joe Cole provides the creativity that Chelsea desperately need. They are now suffering more than ever for not adequately replacing Arjen Robben, Damien Duff and, dare I say it, Shaun Wright-Phillips, who each brought speed, guile and quality service to the front line.

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Now that Arsenal are being linked with a £20m move for Russian forward Andrei Arshavin, questions are being asked as to whether the Zenit St Petersburg player is really worth the price. Most of the doubts regarding his ability stem from his poor performance in the Euro 2008 semi final against Spain, a 3-0 hammering in Vienna.

But Arshavin’s return from suspension earlier in the tournament had a remarkable effect on the Russians. From the flawed side that were slaughtered 4-1 by Spain in Innsbruck and laboured to a 1-0 win over the dreadful Greece in Salzburg, they became the most watchable team in the tournament. They beat Sweden 2-0 in the final group match to secure a place in the last eight; one of the most one-sided matches in European Championship history. In the quarter final in Basel, they beat the tournament’s then-favourites, Holland, 3-1, with Arshavin again stealing the show.

And when Zenit St Petersburg won the UEFA Cup last season, Arshavin was their outstanding player throughout, inspiring four-goal victories over Bayer Leverkusen and Bayern Munich in the later rounds before being named Man of the Match in the Final against Rangers. If Wenger rates Arshavin, it is because he has watched more football than one international semi final.

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The January mind-games window has opened, with Rafa Benítez providing an entertaining and, at times, cutting diatribe on Sir Alex Ferguson’s fixture list conspiracy theories and contempt for the Respect campaign. But might it not have been a better idea to give the exposition after Liverpool had just won?

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Cristiano Ronaldo has crashed his Ferrari in a Manchester tunnel. A bit like when he crashed his Porsche in 2005. And a bit like when he crashed his Audi R8 a year ago. There are too many jokes already in circulation (‘the wall wasn’t ten yards back’ and so on), so the Monday Miscellany isn’t reproducing them all, instead leaving space for you to insert your favourite below:

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That’s it. I’m not going to watch Stockport against Southend on Saturday. I can’t rely on there not being a blizzard or volcanic eruption in Cheshire in the couple of hours between buying a train ticket in  Yorkshire and alighting at Manchester Piccadilly. I’ll go to Pickering Town v Nostell Miners’ Welfare instead, using the drive from home to reflect on the olden days when County would play football matches of a Saturday afternoon.

While we’re on the subject of match postponements, how have Fulham and Portsmouth been in the Premier League for seven and a half and five and a half years respectively without somebody insisting that they install a system to prevent matches being cancelled because there’s a bit of frost? Do not the supporters of Blackburn Rovers and Manchester City deserve a slightly better insurance system against their long and expensive journeys the length of the country becoming a waste of time?

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We really shouldn’t be surprised that Wigan are now up to seventh, they are a very good side. What would Chelsea give for a winger of the quality of the Ecuadorian Luis Antonio Valencia, or a striker with the work ethic of Emile Heskey or Amr Zaky? What would Arsenal give, with Cesc Fàbregas injured, for a midfielder with the creativity and energy of Wilson Palacios? What would Tottenham Hotspur give for a keeper as solid, dependable and physically imposing as Chris Kirkland?

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If you’re not sitting down, I suggest you find a perch pretty quickly. Lyon may not win the French title this season. Yes, you read that right. The seven-time champions slipped up again yesterday, drawing 1-1 at home to lowly Lorient. Since beating Bordeaux 2-1 in November, Lyon have played six matches in Ligue 1, drawing three and losing at Paris St-Germain and Nantes. Bordeaux yesterday disembowelled St-Germain, winning 4-0 at their Stade Chaban Delmas, confirming that they are one of the most improved sides in Europe since the early stages of the season, when they were so easily beaten by the same scoreline at Stamford Bridge.

Bordeaux are now just one point behind Lyon and have the support of most of France, a country desperate for its league to regain some competitive credibility.

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And finally, it’s part 34 of our situation comedy But If You Think Football’s Crazy…, in which we ponder the significance of the chaos in English cricket. It transpires that one of Kevin Pietersen’s main gripes against departed England coach Peter Moores is that the former Worcestershire and Sussex wicket keeper never played Test cricket.

Let’s be thankful then, that football seems to have rid itself of the intransigent ‘show-us-your-medals’ culture of cricket. Arsène Wenger, Rafa Benítez, José Mourinho, Phil Scolari and, whisper it softly, Sir Alex Ferguson, were never top class players. Ferguson was the best of the five but never anywhere near being a Scotland international. They have got to the top of the tree on managerial merit alone.

If the Premier League table reflected manager’s ability as a player, the top four would be West Ham Utd, Portsmouth, Manchester City and Wigan Athletic. (Fight among yourselves as to in what order they’d appear). Across Europe, the only club doing well that is led by a top quality former player is Barcelona, who’s coach Josep Guardiola was a fine central midfielder at the Camp Nou as well as earning 47 caps for Spain.