The Monday Miscellany

Some people are known to suffer something called Seasonal Affective Disorder, which necessitates them spending half an hour in front of a special light bulb each day in order to keep themselves cheerful during the winter.  If you’re one of millions who suffers from a similar psychological malfunction during the summer (but only every other year) fear not, as we present the Footballing World guide to combatting Season’s Over Disorder.

FOR THE PATRIOT

• England have qualified for the UEFA Under-21 European Championship, an eight team tournament in Sweden, in which England play their first match at 5.30 tonight against Finland.  Follow Stuart Pearce’s side as they aim to better their 2007 finish as beaten semi-finalists.  All matches live on Sky Sports.

FOR THE STUDENT OF THE GAME

• There are the final round of Asian World Cup Qualifying group matches on Wednesday, in which the winner of Saudi Arabia v North Korea book a plane ticket to South Africa.  Should that match be drawn, an Iranian victory in South Korea (hello, conspiracy theorists) would put them through in second place, with North Korea taking the play-off spot ahead of the Saudis on goal difference.  In the other group, Bahrain host Uzbekistan needing just a point to beat their opponents to the other play-off spot, while Australia and Japan have already sealed qualification.  Live matches on Eurosport.

• Then on Saturday, there’s the latest round of African Qualifying matches, in which major powers Cameroon and Egypt are already struggling.  Cameroon travel to Gabon in Group A knowing a defeat would be catastrophic, while Morocco urgently need to pick up three points at home to Togo.  Burkina Faso and the Ivory Coast meet in Ouagadougou in Group E, with both having won their first two matches.  Egypt’s match at home to Rwanda is delayed until 5 July because of their involvement in…

• …the FIFA Confederations Cup, which began yesterday.  South Africa couldn’t break down a terrible unambitious Iraq before Spain made mincemeat of New Zealand.  Group B starts this afternoon with Brazil v Egypt and then United States v Italy this evening.  All matches live on BBC interactive or BBC Three.

• The CONCACAF Gold Cup (3-26 July) is the North American equivalent of the European Championship, held as usual in the United States.  Highlights include Haiti v Grenada, Canada v El Salvador and Guadeloupe v Nicaragua.

FOR THE CLUB ENTHUSIAST

• All manner of pre-season tours take place in July with the Premier League sides flung to the four corners of the Earth.  The Wembley Cup (24-26 July) involves Celtic, Tottenham, Barcelona and Cairo’s Al-Ahly, before Hull, West Ham and Tottenham again take part in the Premier League Asia Trophy in China (29-31 July).  Arsenal host the Emirates cup (1-2 August) which comprises themselves, Rangers, Paris St-Germain and Atlético Madrid.  All tournaments on Sky Sports.

• Manchester Utd tour the far east, as ever, with matches in Malaysia, Indonesia and China on MUTV.

FOR THE NOSTALGIC

• The Masters Cup, that dependable staple of Sky Sports during June and July, continues until the final on 25 July.

FOR THE DESPERATE

• If all else fails, follow the qualifying rounds of the UEFA Champions League and Europa League.  The champions of Montenegro, Andorra, Malta and San Marino kick off the Champions League on 30 June before Bohemians, Rhyl and Glentoran come in on 14 July.

• In the Europa League, Motherwell play their first qualifying round, first leg match on 2 July, as do Llanelli, the New Saints, Sligo Rovers, Linfield and Lisburn Distillery.  Channel Five should get interested in the third qualifying round, when Fulham enter the draw.  Their first leg is on 30 July.

• Eurosport have live J-League coverage each week, while Setanta (if they still exist) have the League of Ireland.

• Cricket.

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We find out, too, the fixture list for the 2009-10 season in England on Wednesday, which is when we can all trot out the usual questions: Why are Portsmouth playing at Blackburn on a Monday night?  Why have (insert your team here) not played at home on Boxing Day since Douglas-Home was prime minister?  And, if you’re a certain knight of the realm from the Glasgow area, why are Manchester Utd always given tricky away matches after European weeks?

It will be a dispiriting day for Newcastle Utd fans, particularly if they get a trip to Scunthorpe Utd or Peterborough Utd.  Worse still for fans of former Premier League clubs done bad, Southampton, Norwich City and Charlton Athletic, as they prepare for arduous trips to Yeovil, Carlisle or Exeter.

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If the Confederations Cup has a point, it is to provide the World Cup hosts to be with competitive football amid a plethora of friendlies.  So yesterday we learned, alas, that South Africa have a long way to go to be competitive next summer.  Their draw with Iraq at Ellis Park – sorry, Coca-Cola Park – was so dreadful it brought back memories of the bad old days when, between 1966 and 1978, there was not a single goal in the four opening matches of the World Cup.

In 1966 there was England’s false start against the über-defensive Uruguayans at Wembley, in which the visitors’ captain Horacio Troche was employed to roam behind a flat back four with the South Americans employing the same cynical heavy-handedness that would so endear them to the Scots twenty years later.

In 1970, hosts Mexico were held by the USSR at the Azteca in a match notable only for the first World Cup substitution, when the Soviets brought on Anatoliy Puzach, the Dynamo Kyiv striker, for another Ukrainian, the midfielder Viktor Serebryanikov.  Do not be fooled by the superficially attacking nature of that change.

Then in 1974, the tournament structure was altered so the holders, Brazil, would play the opening match of the championship.  They were not, fair to say, comparable with the brilliant side of four years earlier, and followed the opening ceremony with a goalless draw against Yugoslavia in Frankfurt.

In 1978, the West Germans, champions on home soil in ‘74, faced Poland at Buenos Aires’s Monumental stadium.  In echoes of ‘66, the Germans employed an ill-suited sweeper, Manfred Kaltz of Hamburg, who was normally found at right-back.  The run was broken, hallelujah, by Belgium in 1982, when Erwin Vandenbergh netted against Argentina.  It was the only goal of the match.

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Sepp Blatter: Oh dear.  He addressed the Johannesburg crowd in the manner of an embarrassing uncle trying to entertain the guests at a wedding reception – arms pumping awkwardly like a cross between Valeri Gergiev and Boris Johnson – and his lines bungled disastrously, forgetting, for a moment, the name of the country of which Jacob Zuma is president.  He did not even attempt one of the most basic skills of the actor, how to ride the audience, pausing constantly to let the slightest ripple of applause (they like him in Africa, you know) die down.  He really should read some Stanislavski.

The gist of our great leader’s exposition was that the world ‘trusts’ Africa not to bugger up the World Cup; that the pitches will not be hastily mown rugby fields, that the stands will be full and that crime will be combatted effectively, particularly in murder hotspot Johannesburg.

So it was ironic to see Rustenburg’s ground half empty for the Spain v New Zealand match, locals evidently priced out of attending what is hardly, after all, the highest profile football competition in the world.  I don’t believe for a second this will be repeated at the World Cup – just you try to get a ticket – but it was a disappointment.  Blatter’s legacy will be written after the World Cup finishes next year.